made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
