Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We need to get me chipped asap
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
