im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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