We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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