i don't like sucking hair
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
