I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize