he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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