Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Nobody cheats on THIS.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
