dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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