Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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