i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
