please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
