Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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