A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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