I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
