there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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