She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
