That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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