got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
