Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
