If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
