why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
