I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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