dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize