It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
