rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
