i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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