Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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