I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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