I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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