Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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