I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize