At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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