Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
