You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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