I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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