you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Panties = found
Randomize
