She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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