I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you didnt know i had herpes?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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