I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
