My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
