his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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