so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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