you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
