I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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