So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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