she woke up with a sticky ear
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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