i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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