When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Randomize
