I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
