walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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