piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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