He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I could make wine with my vomit
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
