i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Randomize
