dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
