just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize